My Sunday Night

Me. My family. Celebrating just being us... just cause it is Sunday.  Having a feast. Joel and Bethany out at the BBQ.  Chatting happily :)  Gracie Babbling in the highchair, eating Cheerios! Me making salad and thinking that I am so blessed.  Content.  Food is ready: Dry seasoned Tandoori wings on the BBQ. Caesar Salad. Marinated Mushrooms.  Blessing said, thanking God for BBQs and good times.  The blessing of our family.  Living in the moment, celebrating.  This is the life :) I am fulfilled.

Hope your Sunday has been as good as mine.

Love, M.

Oh yeah... then out hot water tank blew...

My Little Lies and My Big Truths

On Friday night, Joel and I watched a movie called "The Invention of Lying." I was not impressed overall with the movie and really would not recommend it. That aside, it provoked a few thoughts for me.

The story follows the life of a man in a world where nobody has ever learned how to lie. Everyone only tells the truth and cannot even fathom doing otherwise, until this man stumbles upon lying. He is the only one in his world who learns to lie and so the story follows his life having this "advantage" over others.

This movie got me thinking about how often we lie in everyday life, so much so that it seems almost ingrained into our culture. In my own life I realized how often these lies come through without a second thought. How many times have these words left my lips in the form of a lie? "I'm fine thank you." "You look great!" "I understand." "That's ok." Even, "I'm Sorry." -- Yikes! When I stop to think about it I'm very guilty of not speaking the truth.  These lies have become almost necessary in life to get by and seem normal, and polite.  Our society is accustomed to both speaking and hearing these on a day to day basis.  I guess it made me stop and think that I need to hold myself more accountable for the things that come out of my mouth.  This doesn't mean I'm going to tell the polite cashier all my woes in the grocery lineup just because she asked me how I am doing today.  Really, it needs to balanced with a sense of propriety, but maybe I could be more careful about how I answer people.  There is the old saying we are taught as little children, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."  Maybe I can try to remember that balanced with "If you can't say anything TRUE don't say anything at all."  Just something to think about I guess.

This part of the movie was good and thought provoking I guess.  The movie became offensive to me in the second half.  You see, this man who is able to lie starts telling people that there is life after death.  He tells people that there is a "man in the sky who is in charge of the world." He tells people that there is a moral code that we must live by. The movie goes on and on implying that everything that we believe as Christians is a lie.  It implies that our belief in God (at least in a God who we can relate to personally), our belief in heaven and hell,  etc. are just lies that we believe to make us feel better -- that it all really does not exist.

I guess offensive is not really the right word.  There were parts that were downright offensive, but mostly I was not really offended, nor surprised, just disappointed, and a bit disgusted.  I actually found some irony in it all.  Christianity is shown as a series of lies that people use to make themselves feel better, or to explain things they otherwise could not explain.  In reality, that is the lie that people believe because it is more comfortable to them then to come to terms with the truth.  It is more comfortable to believe the lie that there is no hell, then to believe that it does exist and that people will go there.  It is more comfortable to believe the lie that there is no God and continue on living life the way you want, rather than to believe in a God that is too big for us to fully understand sometimes, and to change and live our lives for something bigger than ourselves.

In a way, the movie exposed some of the lies that people commonly believe. For example, that "good people" go to heaven and "bad people" go to hell.  This of course begs the question of "how good do you have to be to get to heaven?" In reality we are all bad people who need forgiveness and God in his mercy made a way through Jesus, for us to be forgiven and to be in communion with Him in this life and in heaven for eternity.

I guess it all boils down to being comfortable.  It is more comfortable to lie and believe lies than it is to tell and believe the truth, but is it worth it in the end?


So, as much as I did not like this movie, at least it caused me to thing and examine some things.
Well... I guess that's all for now folks!



Love,

M

My Birthday Blog

Today is my birthday. An ordinary day of sorts, especially since this year we are celebrating my birthday on another day (tomorrow actually). I cooked and cleaned and mommied as usual today and was again reminded of how ordinary Birthdays have become for me in some ways. When I was a little girl, I remember looking forward to my birthday for weeks and how the whole day had a special magic about it. When I awoke this morning, it was my husband who first reminded me of my Birthday, and I have since forgotten several times throughout the day. My birthday is still special and I am increasingly content to just share time with my family (not that I mind getting spoiled now and then too).
This year though, I found myself reflecting a lot on my life. There is no denying that I am now officially in my late twenties -- 28 is 2 years from thirty, which seemed so old when I was young, but now feels so ordinary. I have never felt like a real adult, more like an imposter. Maybe this comes from being the youngest of 4 children so I was always trying to act like I was grown up, so now that I have grown up it just kinda snuck up on me :S

... This blog got interrupted and now the thought line is gone. Prehaps I will revisit this at a later time... sorry.

P.S. My Birthday was earlier this week, not today when this was published :)

My Winter

I'm so excited that it is finally spring. With spring comes new life and new hope and a new beginnings. Boy could I use all of that.

This winter has been a tough one. My first clue should have been a sense of apprehension (if you could call it that) following Christmas. Have you ever smelled the air and knew that there was going to be a storm? That's the best way to describe what I felt deep inside. I shrugged it off as nothing much... and I suppose if you do as I do and compare your life to others, it probably was nothing much but to me, it was my reality.

My tough winter all started when my baby started to get sick. It was a gradual decline where she started to refuse food and become increasingly fussy about feeding. She started refusing to nurse one day and wanting only a bottle, then another day she would only nurse and refuse a bottle. This progressed throughout the month of January to the point that she was refusing to eat altogether and the only way to get nourishment into her was to sneak a bottle into her mouth when she fell asleep. When she did eat, it was not very much at a time. She was often fussy and difficult to settle. I thought it was a phase at first but it soon became clear that there was something the matter. I did some research and discovered her symptoms matched something called "silent reflux." Usually babies with reflux are easy to spot as they are always spitting up but silent reflux, it almost never comes out the mouth just up the esophagus and into the throat and then back down again, causing pain both ways.

Her doctor wasn't overly concerned at first but as she progressed, she dropped from around the 90th percentile to midway between the 25th and 50th. It was difficult as my Dr was in and out of town and so I seemed to see locums quite often and I'd have to explain everything over again. Eventually it was confirmed that she indeed appeared to have reflux and was put on an antacid to ease the discomfort.

To someone reading this, reflux sounds like not too big of a deal, and often it isn't. In her case, the problem came when she developed a feeding aversion. She began to associate eating with pain and therefore refused to eat.

This was heart-wrenching for me. She would fuss because she was hungry but then refuse to eat, gradually getting more upset. Sometimes we were able to get her to sleep easily, and other times she would rock her and hold her as she screamed until she finally was so exhausted that she fell asleep when we could finally feed her, which in turn caused more discomfort. As a mother we use feeding as a means of comfort to our children, and to mine it was her biggest source of discomfort.

Then came the stress and the guilt. False guilt, I know but guilt none the less. Guilt over not being able to feed or comfort your own baby, guilt over not continuing to breastfeed, guilt over not having enough time to play with Bethany or having to shush her so Gracie wouldn't wake up and stop eating. Stress about if or when we would ever get a handle on this, and not having enough hours in a day to do all I had to do (it was incredibly time consuming). I do not deal well with stress over an extended period of time and I ended up yelling at my other daughter far to often, not sleeping well, and gaining weight. YUCK! That is not the person I am or like to be, yet there I found myself. I did my best to burry my emotions and look like I had it all together but I'm pretty sure I did a really crappy job.

Anyways, she wasn't gaining weight and barely staying hydrated... and then she got the stomach flu. I worried about her for a few days, hemming and hawing over whether I would take her into emergency (it was over a weekend). I finally did take her in and they gave her some medicine to stop the vomiting as she was dehydrated. I remember watching the closing ceremonies on the TV screen in the waiting area of the ER. It was about a week later that it happened: one day she woke up in the middle of eating and didn't spit out the bottle. Then she did it again a few days later. The next day she drank a few ounces while awake. I wasn't sure what to make of it at first, if I should dare to hope that she might be better. Sure enough she started improving and with the arrival of spring, Gracie was a different kid. I never realized how much it really affected her until she had improved. She began to babble and giggle and wiggle and have energy and nap normally and be comforted. It felt so amazingly good to feed her when she was hungry and have her be satisfied. I knew we were out of the woods

Thanks be to God for spring and how it always brings new hope and life! And thank you to those of you who were so faithful in praying for her :)

Yikes... this was a long one. Thanks for reading and letting me tell my story to you. It's been quite cathartic.

Much love,

M

p.s. As an update, for the past 4 days Gracie has been going off of food again... I'm praying that it is just a little hickup, but whatever life brings, I am going into it renewed and with a new sense of hope. My God is good and faithful--He brought her through once, He can do it again!

p.p.s. I know it's been forever since my last blog but I was off of Facebook for lent, and with that I have spent a lot less time on the computer in general, so with that came almost no blogging too. I do "blog without obligation" but I will try to keep them coming on a bit more regular basis.

My Mr.

Since when has it become accepted to treat one's spouse with disrespect? Don't our wedding vows promise "to honour and to cherish?" Lately, it seems that somehow it has become acceptable and even somehow, sickly, encouraged to dishonour your spouse to others. The media all of a sudden has begun to paint this picture of husbands as emotionally disconnected, steak consuming, fashion challenged, unintelligent meatheads. Did you marry a man like that? I know I didn't! If this was the other way around and everyone was making fun of women, there would be a public outcry.

I think this mindset is contributing to the growing trend of what I call "husband bashing." I am unfortunately hearing more and more of this, from the lunch table where I worked to the lineup in the grocery store: Women speaking ill of their husbands to other women -- sometimes even with children present. It's disgraceful! How sad that women, who should be their husband's biggest advocate, are stooping to this low.

So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna let you in on what a wonderful man I am blessed to call my husband. Here are just a few things that I absolutely love:

1. He is funny! I don't mean kind-of funny, I mean side-splitting-spew-milk-out-of-your-nose funny. He can always make me laugh, even when I don't want to, and a lot of the time he doesn't even have to try.

2. He finds me funny :)

3. He's such a family man. I can always count on him putting the family first. He works to support us, and when he's not at work he's with us. He enjoys spending time as a family.

4. He's an incredible father. We have two little girls and even though he may be exhausted after work, he always makes time to play with them and constantly affirms his love for them. There's no way a day ever goes by without each of them hearing (at least a few times) that he loves them.

5. He is careful with his words. We don't fight. I know that sounds weird, but really, we just don't. In almost 7 years of marriage we have never once yelled at each other, hurled a single insult, or had a serious disagreement that we have not been able to work out. He has never once said anything hurtful about my appearance, parenting skills, or personality (and he probably knows better than anyone how much that could be said). If he notices that there is something that needs improvement, it is always approached in a gentle way, careful not to hurt my feelings.

6. He is an amazing cook and loves to make stuff from scratch. Also, back when I was working early mornings at the hospital, he woke up at 5am with me every morning and made my breakfast while I showered :)

7. This is a favorite of mine: On several occasions I have woken him from a dead sleep and more often than not the first words from his mouth are, "I love you so much."

There...to name a few. I am blessed to have him.

Ladies, let's not put up with husband bashing anymore. We should set the example for how spouses should treat one anther. Let's brag on our men any chance we get! And let it never be from us that anyone would hear anything negative about them.

Well, that's all for now, I guess.

Love, M

Proverbs 12:4 "A wife of noble character is her husband's crown,
but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones."

My Crazy

Everyone is crazy to some extent. I realized this for certain while taking psychology courses. When we learn about all the neuroses and psychoses and mood disorders. I could see people I knew all through those. Most of all I could see me. I've known my whole life that I am a little crazy. I like to think that others don't see it (see.. an example of crazy right there), but it's probably quite apparent. For those of you who know me really well, it's probably very apparent.

See, the key about being crazy is to just let it out in small pieces rather than unloading a crapload of crazy on just one person (or group of people), 'cause if you do, you just might end up in the psych ward. To illustrate this, here is yet another perfect clip from Scrubs (yes, I am a bit of an addict to this show). It's just too perfect!


See, I think if people did this then we would have a whole lot fewer people going to therapy.
Note: If you go to therapy, this is by no means a judgment on you... I think it's a very healthy thing to do. Just to clear that up. We all need to let out the crazy now and then.

As for me, I think I'll let out a little crazy into cyber space. Here's a few tidbits on me:
Crazy # 1 - I count syllables of random sentences and tap them out on my fingers over and over until the last syllable ends up on my pinky finger. Why?? Cause I guess I'm a little crazy. I've done this for as long as I can remember.
Crazy # 2 - I have an imaginary audience issue. I suppose it could be classified as a delusion of sorts. I will think way to much of what people might think of me, or who's gong to notice my bad hair day or that big zit on my chin. I know this is a pretty common one. I heard it once said, "You wouldn't worry so much what people think of you if you realized how seldom they did." Definitely words for me to live by. I try to remember that when this crazy sneeks up on me.
And... just for the heck of it here comes Crazy # 3 - If I go into the bathroom at night and don't turn the light on, I can't make myself look into the mirror. There... my secret's out. Probably one too many horror movies growing up. Not sure what exactly I'm scared of seeing in the mirror (except maybe some bad bedhead).

So there you have it... proof of my crazy. I could go on, but I won't.

That was fun. You should all try it.

Love, M

My Best Intentions

Today I saw two girls who looked about 12 walking down the street, both dressed in mini skirts, low-cut tops and black sheer pantyhose. I was sad. I don't need to mention what they reminded me of.

I think this bothered me because I myself have 2 beautiful, innocent daughters. I will sometime soon have to decide how to balance keeping them innocent and keeping them safe.

There is something so beautiful and pure about the innocence of a child. I have a 3-year-old who believes that everyone in the world is nice and good and loves her; and as a result she loves the world. I know my heart will break the day she has to come to understand that not everyone will love her just for who she is. One day, a friend will betray her or another little girl will say "You're not my friend anymore!" Someday soon she will come to realize that not everyone has her best intentions at heart and for her, that day, the world will cease to be a perfect place.

I know that innocence can not last forever. Our world is cruel and cold and hard. There are people who will prey on the innocent and naive, and I cannot responsibly let her go on in the bubble of innocence forever... as much as it will break my heart. But for now, she is only 3 and I am content to let her be so.

I really am not one who believes that we should bury our heads in the sand, or try to keep our children in some sanitized bubble. They need to understand the world around them. One can only develop compassion when they see suffering; one can only gain understanding by experiencing diversity; and I believe that you really can only meet other's needs when you see that there are those who have them. We need to teach our children how to be in the world but not of it... this is my responsibility as a parent. There are many Christian parents that are parenting out of fear of the world. They are so concerned about keeping their kids from being "contaminated" by the things of the world that they render their own children completely incapable of influencing it. How is the world to learn a better way when there is nobody to show them?

On the other hand, I do not believe that children need to be exposed to everything out there in the name of educating them. There are things that I believe it would be irresponsible or dangerous to expose my children to. Do we teach them that fire is hot by throwing them into it?

I guess I'm just wrestling with how I will responsibly preserve my children's innocence without fostering naivety. I just have to hope and pray that I am able to do the job, allow the Holy Spirit to guide and protect, and try to remember that as much as this world is cruel and cold and hard, that there is still much beauty in it

I guess that concludes my musings for the day...

Much Love,

M